I made comments on all aspects of your paper. You should have received an e-mail with a link to a copy of your draft with my comments. Also if you sign in to Google and go to Google Docs you should see this document
Hello, my name is Anna Purpura. I would suggest to really going over what you have written, such as spell checks and your grammar. I know a lot of the time it helps when you say it out loud cause than you see what mistakes you have made, because it is easier to point out. Examples would be “he boy is wearing just plain white t-shirt with white shorts” – which I would assume you meant ‘the’ and not he. Also “explain what gender” – I would add ‘is’ – so the sentence would become ‘explain what gender is’. I didn’t really see a clear introduction/thesis of your paragraph. If I was you I would put part of the first paragraph where it talks about gender should be the conclusion and the conclusion should be the first paragraph with the description starting as the body paragraphs. So in essentence I think you shouldn’t have the first paragraph split, the description should be in one while the talk of gender should be in a completely separate paragraph. I also see that you are a little repetitive and you change what you are talking about throughout your essay.
The Second Paragraph: I was a little confused in, because in the first example about the porcupines you mention they have spiked hair but there are female porcupines so that doesn’t help on your statement about spiked hair being a male trait, just as women can spike their hair as well. Also when you mentioned about the rooster, you went on about the chest and how it represents pride when you were simply talking about spiked hair.
The Third Paragraph: You changed what you were saying again, you were talking about what he was wearing, which was plain t-shirt and shorts. Then you went onto men being hairless and how they are more common to wear shorts and then you used the last sentence to talk about the white t-shirt, I would assume, because that wasn’t a clear sentence. The fact that men now have hairless legs is true which shows less masculinity. Although the fact about the shorts and that more men wear them yet it’s actually more common in women.
The Fourth Paragraph: you mention guys often wear bracelets, I can see that being the truth, but for writing this paper you have to have good distinguishing facts about what makes it more masculine or feminine and I just didn’t find any good points you can argue.
I find the biggest strength of this paper was how you adding your own research such as; “In some countries men think shaving your hair is a dishonor to masculinity” and ” In some cultures that is sign of a religion especially in Sikhism.”
I've emailed you the peer review edit paper but just in case, here is the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pqWm4mhQj7NnFtLb-7VCutQ9ep1YqAr621A9gu5eKlI/edit?authkey=CPaA3JoL#
Miss B can you give me some ideas for my third paragraph?
ReplyDeleteI didn't know what to include in the paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI made comments on all aspects of your paper. You should have received an e-mail with a link to a copy of your draft with my comments. Also if you sign in to Google and go to Google Docs you should see this document
ReplyDeleteHello, my name is Anna Purpura. I would suggest to really going over what you have written, such as spell checks and your grammar. I know a lot of the time it helps when you say it out loud cause than you see what mistakes you have made, because it is easier to point out. Examples would be “he boy is wearing just plain white t-shirt with white shorts” – which I would assume you meant ‘the’ and not he. Also “explain what gender” – I would add ‘is’ – so the sentence would become ‘explain what gender is’.
ReplyDeleteI didn’t really see a clear introduction/thesis of your paragraph. If I was you I would put part of the first paragraph where it talks about gender should be the conclusion and the conclusion should be the first paragraph with the description starting as the body paragraphs. So in essentence I think you shouldn’t have the first paragraph split, the description should be in one while the talk of gender should be in a completely separate paragraph. I also see that you are a little repetitive and you change what you are talking about throughout your essay.
The Second Paragraph: I was a little confused in, because in the first example about the porcupines you mention they have spiked hair but there are female porcupines so that doesn’t help on your statement about spiked hair being a male trait, just as women can spike their hair as well. Also when you mentioned about the rooster, you went on about the chest and how it represents pride when you were simply talking about spiked hair.
The Third Paragraph: You changed what you were saying again, you were talking about what he was wearing, which was plain t-shirt and shorts. Then you went onto men being hairless and how they are more common to wear shorts and then you used the last sentence to talk about the white t-shirt, I would assume, because that wasn’t a clear sentence. The fact that men now have hairless legs is true which shows less masculinity. Although the fact about the shorts and that more men wear them yet it’s actually more common in women.
The Fourth Paragraph: you mention guys often wear bracelets, I can see that being the truth, but for writing this paper you have to have good distinguishing facts about what makes it more masculine or feminine and I just didn’t find any good points you can argue.
I find the biggest strength of this paper was how you adding your own research such as; “In some countries men think shaving your hair is a dishonor to masculinity” and ” In some cultures that is sign of a religion especially in Sikhism.”
I've emailed you the peer review edit paper but just in case, here is the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pqWm4mhQj7NnFtLb-7VCutQ9ep1YqAr621A9gu5eKlI/edit?authkey=CPaA3JoL#
ReplyDeleteThe link isn't click-able, you'll have to copy and paste the link onto your web browser.
ReplyDeletethank you Anna for the wonderful feedback and I got the email Claudia.Thanks.
ReplyDelete